I hate the bad days!

Hello once again peeps!

Apologies for the lack of vids/blog over Easter, unfortunately I had one of the 'bad' days! Thats right the days we all hate, when one minute your fine and dandy, the next depression, bad thoughts, feelings of worthlessness come up from behind and almost destroyed your entire good vibe day!
I was actually going to do a video during my 'bad' episode so I could show you what it was like however as luck would have it my phone (which is what i record the videos on) went completely dead and I had left my charger in my nans house! And believe me this did not help with the day! Not only was I down, but I was also very angry or to be more exact...p*ssed off!!

It was my sisters birthday and the plan was to go and celebrate it with her, nothing fancy mind you, just a gathering with close family and enjoying each others company. But with the mood I was in...that didn't
seem possible. Believe me my mood was well winning me over, i was swearing, throwing things and generally being a bit of a horrible tw*t! But what have we done recently...thats right we have declared war on depression and with this in mind i was certainly not going to sit in all day and mope about how much i hate everything! And so I got up and began to get ready to go and meet the family.

of course on a bad day, my depression decides to bring his friends of anxiety and irritability with him. So i started getting ready...then i realized i needed to change because i looked like an idiot. Dont get me wrong, i probably didnt look stupid, but in my mind....I DID! Thus I got changed...got changed again...and again ..and again and basically before I knew it I had got changed about 15 times! 15 times for a bloke to get ready just top go and sit in his family house...bit odd aint it. But thats what my mind does and Im sure many of you out there have the same types of days! No matter how good you think you look, your mind destroys the vision with, "You look like a fat belter". "Why do you even bother" Literally that's what mine does. Now I know Im not fat, i am a tad over weight but that's is because of my new medication which makes you want to eat like a horse and keeps a lot of water retention in the body. Anyhow feeling like crap and thinking you look like crap....really doesnt help with the combined feelings of worthlessness and no hope! But guess what, when I finally through what i felt comfortable in I just went out....thats it, left the house with the wife so i couldn't go back in and get changed. Not the easiest believe me but I did it!! Thats right I had won one back against depression!!

So the day started off bad but I was beginning to turn it around. By the time we had got to meet the rest of the family I still felt very anxious but i knew it was fading. I know I was quite quiet during the meal however by the end of the evening i was back and kicking bottom again!!

So whats the point in all this? Basically i could have stayed in and regretted it or even worse done something silly like smash my phone! (Which believe me is what I wanted to do because the poxy thing decided to die when I needed it!) But I didnt. I went out and my mood eventually improved! Now I could have gone there (to the family home) and brought everyone down with me (mood wise) however I was not going to take the light off my sisters birthday and so Mr Happy Face came out to play. Basically just keep thinking good things and before you know it, it becomes second nature!! I wish it was that easy, because dont worry i know it isnt, but that day...I won!!!!

My other option could have been to arrive at the family home and tell everyone how down and angry i felt....but do you think that would have helped the situation? Do
nt get me wrong, COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY! But i had already told my dear wife so there was no need to spread it around to everyone else, especially on such a glorious day! Me personally would actually feel  worse if I bought everyone else down to my low mood!! But i dint I I actually enjoyed the day! (From the afternoon onwards!!)

So the point of this is basically, I won one round. And it wasnt easy...but I still won. And thats what you can do. If you are not wanting to go out...GO OUT! It ll ease some of the pain..maybe only for a few minutes of the entire night, but at least you wnet out and didnt sit in the dark room that depression craves so much. Now i said that I spoke to my wife about how I felt before going out, if you havent got someone to talk to, phone the Samaritans, or CALM helpline just someone before you head out basically so you can get the main load off your chest and then you are not turning up at birthday parties with doom and gloom on your back!! Does that make sense? I hope I do! Basically stay active, stay strong, go to that invitation and stay communicating!!!

Enjoy the daily vid!!

Take Care!

Alex

Ps I havent forgot about the links as mentioned in the bad thinking habits part a couple of days ago, ill hopefully get them for you on friday! (5th April)

Put a number on it!!

NUMBERS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

Hello there!! Thank you for dropping by, so how are you today? Bit up? Bit down? Feel sad? Happy? Not too sure? Cant find the words? Would you like a dictionary???

Of course I don't mean to be rude, but I was thinking of what my wife and I do when it comes to try ans explain the mood for the day/hour/etc. Basically, put a number on it! Thats it, ok its not literally "thats it", but believe me, it helps you as well as others around you! They can at least get a small glimpse into how you are feeling without you trying to explain what is going on....think of the time saved as well!!

I always remember trying to think what the other person must be thinking when I'm on a down/bad day. Helpless is the only word that could come to my mind. And then I remember feeling bad for making them feel helpless and then the spiral continues!! But with a number at least then can try to understand what you are going through at that particular time, they may even ask is there anything they can do....which unfortunately there usually isnt. BUT......they still at least know where you are 'on the scale' and they may even try things to help lift you up the scale.
Basically what Im saying is that if you cant find the words, use a number!!



So after reading that last paragraph it almost doesn't make any sense! But at the same time it does so Im going to leave it!!

Anyhow the other thing i was talking/thinking about is a mood diary! Mood diary is a pain...but a good one! You can start to discover triggers as to what is bringing you down, or if certain foods fpr example are making you high/low etc!
I do a mood diary....not everyday ill be honest, but if I have a normal day then i just tick normal but when on a low day then i try and write in detail how I feel, whats annoyed me, whether I'm angry or not, and as I keep saying, although you are only writing about it, it helps to get it off your chest! So if you can, do a mood diary!! Here is a link to a few which you can download and print off.

Mood Diary 1     Mood Diary 2

I just have a very simple one which my wife drew up for me. If you feel this is more for you, then you can use this one! (Im sorry its only a pic, but you can still print it off and write on it!) Anyhow so yes this may help or may not, but there is only one way to find out...try it!! ----------------
(Remember we are going to war with depression!!!)

So yes, ive upload video number 2 which you can watch here:

 (Look quite aggressive actually in that pic dont I! But Im not dont worry! Do rabbit on a bit but thats it!!)

So for now I shall sign off! But hope to see you tomorrow! Hope you are keeping well!! 

And dont forget to stay strong!! Yes it is hard I know, but just remember, lets see what tomorrow brings!!

Remember, we are now at war with depression!!

Keep Smiling! 

Alex

Ps. Aplogies for not putting the funny/good video about bad thinking habits and how to break them! I cant find them so i will ask my friend where they are on youtube and place on here for you asap!!

Oh hello good morning depression!

Hello, good morning depression!

So hello there! If you have wondered across this then I suppose you have either been surfing the net looking for answers, help or anything to aid you in dealing with depression or maybe help someone you know deal with depression? Or you may have just been looking for a laugh?
either way, Ive decided to write this as I myself have been recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and Ive decided to not cower away and hide in the dark and gloomy corner, in fact Im doing the opposite! Im going to war with it!

When I first started to feel down I would always look at the internet for answers, never found any, but there were times when the only answer I could see was a permanent one...and not in a good way! (If you catch my drift!!)
I felt so alone, even though I had the most amazing support from my wife, family and friends, but in the darkest of times...it didnt seem to work. I felt bad for being me, bad for being down, bad for causing stress to everyone, basically just generally bad!

BUT WE SHOULDN'T!! We didnt ask for this condition did we? (If we did then it was definitely in the small print) but seriously, I hate my dark days....almost to the point I want to rip my own brain out and slap it across the face to start feeling so down. But obviously...we cant do that! Im rabbiting on again here but anyway Ill cut to the chase...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Things may be bad....there may be no silver lining but Ive started telling myself,

"LETS JUST SEE WHAT TOMORROW BRINGS" And I like that because you never know what is around the next corner, and if we ever did do something permanent to ourselves, then how are we ever to know? Believe me, i have been there with 'my plan' on how to end it all, but Im so glad I didn't. You wouldn't even be reading this now if I had gone through with it. And that's why I want to write this, to basically say that its nothing to be ashamed of, its not your fault and instead of looking for answers, lets deal with them here!
I cant tell you that tomorrow you are going to win the lottery, or maybe the love of your life is going to turn up....but you never know do you? And thats what I want to do on my face blog, get you thinking what Ive been thinking. "Lets just see what tomorrow brings".

Im also doing a video to accompany this blog so you can see me in person! (

which you can find here... http://youtube.com/depressionitsme

Would love to here your thoughts, comment etc!

Are you on twitter?? So am I......http://twitter.com/depressionitsme

Whether Im on a good 'high' day or a low 'bad' day, then Im going to try and write as much as possible on here. Instead of bottling it up, i am blowing it out. Sweeping it from under the carpet and into the air! If people see it, who cares, if they dont like it, who cares! I'm not offending anyone, just hopefully letting other people know that we can beat this!! And we shall!!!

Ive been suffering fro depression all my life but it was only recently that I discovered i was actually bipolar  And dont get me wrong, I dont like the label, but at the same time its made me realise that how horrible life can sometimes seem to be. And on those days I always feel so alone. So if you too are feeling like that, then just remember...YOU ARE NOT!!

Want to rant, then put it on here! I feel communication is the  key word - so go for it! Go on try it! Even if you want to swear!! (Just nothing that will get you investigated by the authorities please!!!)

Another great website to check out is this... http://www.thecalmzone.net/

Now, I really am going to go so yes, hopefully see you around, and lets join forces and kick these bad ass issues right where it hurts!!

Alex